Straight Man In Mid-30s Discovers He Is Just The Tiniest Bit Fruity
by Picadora Bransen
Assuring the crowd that he was still a zero on the Kinsey scale, local office worker Henry Keene has announced that he is indeed just the tiniest bit fruity.
"I want to make it very clear: I am not attracted to the same sex in any way, shape, or form. Nor am I a person of gender. I am simply a cishet male who likes to wear nailpolish." he announced, showing off his fresh glossy coat of ESSIE Birthday Girl nail polish to applause.
"It's really cool!" enthused friend and confidant Aaron Barton, "Henry has always been the most square dude I know. I'm glad he gets to experience the smallest glimmer of color to his life after a couple decades of soul searching. A lot of men don't even make it that far!"
After the press conference, we sat down with Henry to get a feel for what his new life is like.
"I didn't think it would be this big of a deal." he admitted sheepishly, "My entire life I've never had a single thing about me that stood out enough to attract negative attention. Now that I do, I'm realizing I have no idea how to handle being made fun of or hated."
"I get it. The first time I had a grown man yell something obscene at me as he drove by was when I was 12 years old." explained coworker Iris Elerbee, "Opting into getting just a fraction of the negative attention that women get every day just by existing is something a lot of men his age can't handle."
Henry agrees. "Once I had a guy call me a slur in the comments of a Tiktok video. That made it real clear to me that there's a lot of toxicity out there, and I'm just the person to do something about it!"
Which is why he is spearheading a new anti-bullying campaign: Straight People Can Be Fruity Too
"Things are already so much better than they were just a few years ago." Henry explained, "Between Travis McElroy and Jocat I'm definitely not the only boring straight white dude out there struggling for acceptance. It's very inspiring! I want to make it very clear that I am not attracted to them or any other men, but I do admire their fighting spirit."
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