Nation's Coffee Chains Struggle To Keep Up With Online Content Creators' Ridiculous Inflation of Coffee Prices
by Picadora Bransen
For over a decade, the price of a cup of coffee has been the standard for soliciting donations online. But in recent months, leading coffee chains are feeling the strain of meeting the needs of streamers.
Speaking under conditions of anonymity, a local Dunkin franchise owner observed that "back in the Obama administration, $5 a month was the price of a cup of coffee. Now streams and Patreons are claiming $15 a month is the price of a cup of coffee. How are we supposed to be stay in business if they keep raising our prices like this?"
Independent coffee chains are also feeling the squeeze of the growing financial needs of content creators. "It used to be that people bought music at coffee shops. Now musicians use the price of coffee to fundraise and shut us out entirely. What am I supposed to do, turn around and tell my customers to patronize my shop because a cup of coffee is cheaper than vinyl?" asked the owner of Budazz Coffee and Dispensary
Online content creators have remained steadfast in their push for higher coffee prices. "I don't know why the price of coffee works so well." mused VippieViews, a channel dedicated to reviewing scented candles with over 400,000 subscribers. "We've tried the price of a burger, the price of a movie ticket, none of them move the needle the way the price of coffee does."
"I'm amazed it works as well as it does." agreed finance guru SimoleonCity, "You'd think that the cost of one product would have zero impact on the price of a completely different product in a totally different industry, but for some reason coffee prices and Patreon pledges are intrinsically linked. If we can ever figure out why, it will be the financial equivalent of controlling gravity."
When asked for comment, Colombian coffee farmer Gilberto Filipe responded "$5 a month is more than I make. Also, what the hell is a Patreon?"